The Corona pandemic provided some people more time to be alone. Sometimes, this may mean sitting with oneself without external distractions. Inky Lee, who lives alone, is one of these people. One night, she quietly sits in this state and observes the movements of her insides.
When there are no distractions at all, one is left with oneself: one’s thoughts, memories, feelings, body. Time stretches out. It may at first seem like boredom, then loneliness, then … something else, something like this, on this page. The Corona pandemic has shaven away many, even constant, distractions in Berlin, due to the drastic limitation of social events and activities. One winter evening, she sits in her room in this state of no distraction for a long time.
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*
Planes
–They were nearly parallel but not quite. I didn’t think they would manage to meet.
Perhaps this was my attempt at hiding the hollowness I felt inside.
Perhaps it was my way of loving.
I was lying alone on the open grass, feeling the hollowness in my pelvis, staring …
—
The fainter trail was vanishing rapidly.
If only I had slightly worse memory and a slightly better sense of direction,
everything would have felt slightly more manageable.
—
The fainter trail was vanishing rapidly and I didn’t know if it would hold out until …
—
I was too discreet (scared) and every word came too late to be spoken out loud.
As if nothing had happened …
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all drawings by Inky Lee
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*
I saw your heads together. “I don’t have time for a rendezvous.” I’d like to walk. When I bite her neck, snow would fall. Anyone who has a little sense of aesthetics wouldn’t find it difficult to fall in love with her. “It’s wild in there.” She sweats profusely. Her skin is wet to the touch. I take my gum out of my mouth and hold it in my hand, so I can kiss her. We run down the night hill, laughing. “Just let gravity take you.” The sense of penetrating straightforwardness comforts me. “You’re not even out of breath.” “I’d like to be less afraid.” “We’ll feel ok if we only see the colours.” “Mirages in the desert.” Homeless people and beggars, “Open 24 hours,” like this black wind, rain, that has no frills. My black ponytail spreads like a water snake (or like my legs?) (the blond girl bit my inner thigh) (I had to be very careful with her ears because she had an unbelievable number of earrings, I didn’t even think to count them), hissing into the night.
If you listen carefully …
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*
No Time to Die
a book found in someone’s room that she doesn’t go to anymore
she can’t remember the name of the author
page 52
THE BOY
I am THE BOY
Idol of hundreds of girls.
Yes, girls only — I just love them!
The sound of my lorry
Comes out in pieces.
So usually when
The girls see me approach,
Hundreds of them
In many towns
Along the route I ply,
Line up to cheer me up,
While I tread
Majestically in Pieces:
Pr-r-r-r-r-r-r hm-m-m-m-m-m!
Pr-r-r-r-r-r-r hm-m-m-m-m-m!
Pr-r-r-r-r-r-r hm-m-m-m-m-m!
At this time
Some will be jumping
Up and down,
Others will be throwing
Their small fists into the air,
Heralding my approach
And calling my name:
The Boy
The Boy
The B …………..!
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*
I met her on a Saturday, missed her till the Monday evening
That’s inspiring, you said
every time my phone buzzes unexpectedly, I wonder if it could be her
a wind chime
that hangs in a windless country
one day, a hint of wind casually passes by and rings the chime
I walk up with nonchalance
the wind already gone
the morning I came home at 7:18 a.m.
an email from a semi-stranger knocks at 6:33 a.m.
hey,
feel more than weird and sad to have met you tonight
my deficiency so nude and crude
I appreciate your message, thank you, I reply
dry
skin of a dead fish
with hollow white space inside
a chime hangs
in the middle
that afternoon
you walk into my house calling my name without knocking
my door hasn’t been closed the whole night
I lie in bed
you present me with a Käsestangerl
leave swiftly
like the wind
that was after the night dusk dawn
when
I sat in a bar next to you
tried hitting on the bartender until
my hair caught on fire
today
another email falls in, signing out
with your fire eyes
sends me a photo of a massive stone
I like stones alright
I guess some throw stones at chimes when they do not know
wind
this morning
you offer to share a meditation to cut ties with the past
afternoon at work
my phone buzzes
for a second
I wonder
could it be ?
just someone else feeling lonely
a silent wind chime
I walk on
hollow white space inside
is open
I let the sun pass through at times
at night
I drool on my arm
get up to wipe it off with a tissue
a windless night
I don’t know anymore
where I am
—
—
*
You’re right
I was in love for a moment
and I thought
I can’t hate myself for being a human
in fact
I can’t hate anyone for being a human
I’d do it all over again
because I’m a human
—
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*
but my love is serious
I said to the retired German lawyer when he told me that in Germany love between women was never illegal
while love between men was
because
female love was never taken seriously
I’m not a woman. I’m a doorknob
said Agnes Martin
I can tell you that, whether I’m a doorknob or a woman, my love is serious
a young pretty man is turned on
by the thought of his girlfriend being with another woman
by the thought of him and his girlfriend being with another woman
but not by the thought of his girlfriend being with another man
he probably doesn’t feel threatened that another woman would take his girlfriend away from him
maybe he thinks women’s love isn’t serious
but I tell you
my love is serious
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*
sweetness, . —sun day, . — you
sweetness, – – coffee, — you
sweetness, green dissolving into grey, .you
sun, — my dear, I say, — . sun
In this small city with the ever flowing Rhine
I want
to come
knock
on your door
make that slow twenty-minute walk
over
the bridge
knock my knuckles .. clunk
to say Guten Morgen
Guten Morgen, .. sweetness, .. it’s you
sweetness, …. of waiting, …… … -. you
your distance, . approaching, .. . you
The wife exhibits her “Russian blood”, starts smashing everything in the house, screams auf Deutsch, Mann!
I put a piece of apple in my mouth, feel like vomiting, run to the bathroom, sit through the slow breakfast with water
the sun has disappeared
morning
bending
into afternoon
I tell myself
————————————simplicity
—————————————————simplicity
—————————————————————simplicity — — ———— you
my glass doesn’t shatter
it makes quiet lines
when it’s about to break
I slip a new one in ……..unnoticed
each time thinner
——————————————————-.you
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*
everything is easy
making coffee is easy
making decisions is easy
being courageous is easy
doing is easy
eating is easy
thinking is easy
walking is easy
walking away is easy
being comfortable is easy
some people have told me that
they have never felt comfortable in their bodies
never
is a strong word
I never loved you
I never meant to hurt you
words are easy
so is silence
*
*
*
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